by Shahna Duerksen, MA, AMFT
Roubicek and Thacker Counseling
Grieving something that is lost is a normal part of life and is experienced and expressed in various healthy and unhealthy ways by people. It often accompanies the passing of a loved one, but can occur with other losses, such as a divorce or being fired from your job, loss of a dream or expectation, and so forth.
Rebecca Soffer, co-founder of Modern Loss states “In any given year, holiday time is just a minefield of triggers specifically for people who are living with profound loss. And as the holiday season looms a lot of people brace themselves and count down months in advance.”
When a significant loss has been experienced the approaching holiday season can bring increased painful memories or feelings of grief and sorrow to the surface. During this time normal grief symptoms can be intensified such as sadness, depression, crying more than usual, lack of motivation to attend holiday events, wanting to be alone, difficulty sleeping, feelings of guilt, irritability or anger.
Some people may be at greater risk for complicated grief, or grief that doesn’t get better over time, interfering with their ability to function. Grief and complicated grief are different from major depression, but depression can develop at any time during the grieving process. People with a history of depression or anxiety, especially if it is untreated, may be more vulnerable to the effects of grief and could benefit from the extra support of friends, family, support groups and professional therapists/grief counselors.
Learning to cope with your loss while still functioning in day to day life is the goal to healthy grieving. It is learning to hold the conflicting emotions of normalcy and joy’s as well as that of significant loss in your daily life. Grieving something that is lost is a normal part of life and can be expressed in healthy ways.
Healthy Grieving during the Holidays:
While nothing can eliminate the pain of loss, the following suggestions may help or provide some comfort:
1. Be gentle with yourself and reduce unnecessary stress. Be aware of both your physical and psychological needs and avoid overextending yourself. If it is a hard day, stay home if you can and rest. Listen to what your mind, body and emotions need.
2. Don’t ignore your grief. There isn’t a right or wrong way of experiencing grief nor an expiration date for an official time to be over your loss and heartache. Grief is a normal emotion that is healthy to feel even though in the midst of it may feel the furthest thing from healthy. It’s okay to be sad even during the holidays. Allow yourself to feel those emotions. Time can help, but grief won’t go away on its own. Allow yourself to feel, process and express your feelings of loss and sorrow without suppressing or stuffing them down which may lead to unhealthy ways of grieving. Tune into these emotions that do not stop during the holidays. Acknowledge the feelings and try not to avoid them understanding your conflicted feelings of both sadness and joy are a part of experiencing healthy emotions and healthy grieving. Ex; I can miss that person and enjoy the holiday at the same time, or laugh at that joke. You may find it helpful to write in a journal consistently which can serve as a means of release and meaningful expression of yourself, and allows a private way to work through the many emotions experienced during the journey of grief.
3. Reach out: Have meaningful interactions with others, talk about your grief and loss and how you are experiencing them with a trusted friend. It is incredibly beneficial to be with friends and loved ones during a difficult time and helps reduce isolation and loneliness. If you don’t feel like talking to anyone, simply going to a place where there are people may provide comfort such as in reading a book at your favorite coffee shop or going to a museum.
4. Seek professional help. If there is a day or two over the holidays where grief hits you especially hard, that’s okay, it is normal and to be expected. Remember this is an on-going journey. But if it is impacting your day-to-day functioning, you can’t go to work, get out of bed, tend to your hygiene, care for your children, etc. then seek help from a support group, spiritual leader, or professional therapist. Many hospitals, hospice agencies, and bereavement centers offer grief support groups during the holiday season.
5. Avoid the “should’s”. Assess what you need to do during the holiday season and refrain from pressure from well-intentioned friends and family members on what you “should do” or “should” be feeling. Remember this is your grief journey and while they may be grieving themselves, each has their own journey and there are no right and wrong ways to go about this journey.
6. Set Boundaries with holiday events by checking-in with yourself and your readiness. You can find a balance and have fun while honoring your emotional capacity. Say “no” if you need to, to events or obligations that may worsen your grief. After a loss, you may not feel up to your normal slate of holiday cheer. That is normal and expected. It may be helpful to say no to baking three dozen cookies for the holiday party or hosting at your home. Separate out the people and places that are supportive versus those that are toxic. Strike a balance between not engaging in events that will be triggers and being reclusive or isolating. It can be helpful or informative to ask yourself, “Will saying ‘no’ to this help me say ‘yes’ to healing opportunities this holiday?”
7. Set realistic expectations of yourself and others knowing that you very well may be irritable, angry or crying during a specific holiday activity and that is okay. Communicate this to those who might be impacted by it.
8. Practice self-care; go for a relaxing hike, take care of your basic hygiene needs, go to the doctor for a wellness check-up or possible medication evaluation if you are more depressed than is normal, or need help with a sleeping aide.
9. Practice self-compassion. It’s easy to criticize yourself when you don’t feel holiday cheer. Offering yourself a small dose of compassion may decrease your stress. You can practice self-compassion by this exercise of placing your hand on your heart or giving yourself a hug, then silently saying, “This holiday time is difficult for me. It’s painful that someone I care(d) about is not here or I am feeling loss in this way. I’m going to do the best I can today.”
10. Find a way to honor the loss by creating a new tradition that honors the memory of the loss. Ex. After a divorce a woman decided to participate in a “Turkey Trot run” to create a new tradition for her first Thanksgiving as a single person. She was not a runner, but she felt getting in a nice walk with others would be a good start.
Resources:
1. National Suicide Prevention lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK), or text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. If your grief is overwhelming and you’re thinking of harming yourself, it’s important to get help right away. Phone a friend, head to a hospital emergency room, phone 911, phone the National Suicide prevention number.
2. Whats Your Grief website: https://whatsyourgrief.com/about-us/ and on Instagram @whatsyourgrief is a website to promote grief education, exploration and expression through resourcing, education, training for grief counselors, podcasts, etc.
Ways to support someone who is grieving:
Stay in touch with them on a regular basis and let them know you are thinking about them; “I am here if you want to talk. What can I do to support you?”
Avoid catch phrases or platitudes. These are harmful and not helpful and are usually about making the one who says them feel better, not the one grieving. Remember; you don’t have to ‘fix’ them in their grief and loss. What they are experiencing is normal and healthy.
Be okay to sit in silence with them. Your presence is healing and helpful. Remember this is not about your need to fill the silence if you feel uncomfortable with it. This is about their needs, not your’s.
If and when they do want to talk, be there to listen to what it is they have to say. They may want to talk about the loss. Ask them “do you want to talk about them/it?” Or “is okay if I say their name or tell this story?”.
Ask to see if there is anything you can do that will be helpful or supportive but better yet if you see the need, then do it without them asking you to. Ex; helping with daily tasks such as mowing the lawn, shopping for groceries, cooking a meal, etc.
Thoughtful gestures can be a helpful way to support them. Send a thoughtful text or send a card remembering the anniversary of the loss, take them for a coffee or activity ‘just because’ you thought of them.
Be patient and understanding. There is no right or wrong way to grieve nor a time limit. Everyone responds and reacts differently to loss. Avoid judgement and support someone to heal at their own pace.
Shahna Duerksen is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Roubicek and Thacker Counseling in Fresno, CA. She enjoys encouraging others in their mental and emotional well-being. You can contact her office at: 559-323-8484 and find her on Facebook and Instagram @shahnaduerksen