By Shahna L. Duerksen, MA, AMFT
Experiencing Adversity:
British rock band Chumbawamba may have described resilience best in their song lyrics, "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You are never gonna keep me down". This is resilience or grit. Grit as described by author Angela Duckworth in her book Grit; The power of passion and perseverance describes grit as “a special blend of passion and persistence.” It is a lot like old fashioned hard work and is developed through being allowed to fail and try again.
Grit is tenacity and toughness and learning to 'get back up again' and cope in healthy ways when life is hard and knocks you down. However, it is easier said than done in many cases. When one is feeling knocked down by adversity, depression, anxiety, relationship distress, mental and emotional heath problems, illnesses, job loss and a global pandemic it can be extremely challenging to persevere and push yourself to get back up again.
Experiencing adversity can also introduce you to your inner strengths. Mormon religious leader Dieter F. Uchtdorf states that “It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop”. Experiencing adversity can introduce you to your inner strengths and passions as you learn to persevere.
Developing Grit:
Grit is developed through being allowed to get knocked down, to fall, to fail and try again.
Naomi Wolf, author and journalist, states, “Obstacles, are developmentally necessary. They teach strategy, patience, critical thinking, resilience and resourcefulness”. Through these experiences you can choose to grow and get back up again and try again or you can choose to stay down and never risk again.
Developing grit can be developed and learned:
Think about what you can control when things in your life seem out of your control. Acknowledge what you can’t control or change and focus on what you can.
Build self-awareness; how do you usually deal with stress, what are your strengths, what has helped you in the past?
Find healthy coping strategies that help you remain calm such as journaling, exercising, listening to music, talking with a trusted friend, or getting help from a professional therapist.
Growth Mindset:
Growth mindset refers to a personality construct researched by Professor Carol S. Dweck of Stanford University who theorized that people with a growth mindset assume traits such as intelligence and talent are a product of hard work, grit and determination. Dweck’s research found people with a growth mindset when critiqued or facing failure take it as a challenge to improve. They try new strategies, set goals, or seek help in learning.
A growth mindset as described by Big Life Journal a positive motivational website says growth mindset is about freedom. This mindset perseveres in the face of failure. Effort is required to build new skills. Finds inspiration in other’s success. Accepts criticism, desires to learn and builds abilities. Opposite from a growth mindset is a fixed mindset which is limiting. It avoids challenges, ignores feedback, is threatened by other’s success, desires to look smart, gives up easily and has fixed abilities. A growth mindset views failure as an opportunity to grow while a fixed mindset see’s failure as the limit of abilities. A growth mindset believes that intelligence and most things about self can be grown and developed. They learn from criticism, persist when facing setbacks and embrace challenges. A fixed mindset believes that intelligence is fixed or static. Some things you can do, some they won’t ever be able to so they avoid challenges and give up easily.
Having a growth mindset is important when experiencing adversity and developing grit. Allowing yourself or your children to get knocked down, or to fail is hard. Some people have an entitled perspective that they or their children “deserve” to win. Another perspective, maybe a more realistic one that sets yourself and your children up for real life is that you and your children deserve to experience both wins and losses, successes and failures. Learning to be a good loser and face obstacles and adversities is vital to developing grit in life. Life, realistic life, is not all about winning and getting your way. These types of perspectives lend themselves towards and entitled, narcissistic “its all about me and my happiness” mentality that believes they deserve the best of everything, always succeeding and never disappointed or knowing adversity. These people will not know how to pick themselves back up when life knocks them down when they fall or fail, because they have never been given the opportunity before.
Adversity, getting knocked down by life, failure and lack of success should be something we allow ourselves to experience and to allow our children to experience as well as see the adults in their life experience. This is called risk which is exposure to hard things in life; not being successful, failing and loss. The lesson to learn is that one never grows nor develops grit if one doesn’t risk or if one never has to face adversity. Life is not fair, life is hard and challenging, full of disappointments, heartaches, losses, failure and being unsuccessful. Sometimes we’re successful and sometimes we’re not. Failure isn’t a childish thing, it’s a human thing. Successful people fail and get knocked down.
Learning to reframe is important for a growth mindset.
Instead of thinking: “I can’t do it” instead think this, “I’m still learning and I’ll keep trying”.
Instead of thinking; “I’m not good at this”, instead think, “what can I learn to get better at this”?
Instead of thinking: “It’s too hard, instead think, “with more practice this will get easier and I”ll get better”.
Allowing yourself to experience adversity, develop grit and embrace a growth mindset is valuable and healthy when life knocks you down you can get back up again. Strength comes as you learn to be resilient, and when you find yourself knocked down with circumstances that are hard you are stronger and better equipped to handle them, using healthy coping skills to get through them and not stay down or defeated. You resiliently stand back up, brush yourself off, recognize that was painful and realize you're still able to stand and you weren't defeated by the life stressor.
Shahna Duerksen is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Roubicek and Thacker Counseling in Fresno, CA. She enjoys motivating others, writing inspirational blogs and raising mental health awareness. She can be found at www.Roubicekandthacker.com on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ShahnaDuerksen and Instagram @shahnaduerksen #shahnaduerksen