The best compliments aren’t regarding appearance

by Shahna Duerksen, LMFT, June 2025

Hollywood Actor Jonah Hill @jonahhill was in the news in 2021 for something he probably didn’t want to be in the news about. He gave voice publicly to his desire, his boundary, about his desire for not commenting on his appearance (body transformation and weight loss.) "I know you mean well, but I kindly ask that you not comment on my body, good or bad. I want to politely let you know it's not helpful and doesn't feel good". Good for him! This is a very needed topic to be learned more about and to adjust our own behaviors around.

Why at times, more times than not, do we begin conversations by a comment about a person looking so good? Why does a journalist ask, usually women, about their appearance, which fashion designer they are wearing clothes from, what diet they have been on or ask why they lost weight such as Adele @Adele instead of asking about their career accomplishments? While many times men are asked about their career, never what they are wearing.

The best compliments that aren’t regarding appearance are a helpful start to refresh and adjust our own behaviors around. Here are some suggestions from Real Depression Project @realdepressionproject "I love being around you, you have a great energy, I really admire your strength. I know things haven't been easy lately but you're doing so well, I really appreciate your loyalty and how generous you are with your time."

What are some compliments, questions, statements, conversations you have had, received or given that was not about body image or appearance?

The October 2021  blog article has been updated in June 2025. Shahna Duerksen, M.A., LMFT #140986, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist located in Fresno, CA, providing both in-person therapy (Fresno, CA) and tele-health services throughout California. Shahna aims to help de-stigmatize mental illness and make it a normal topic of conversation for everyone. She enjoys photography, humor, and travel, often blending these interests into adventurous escapades. Her practice mainly centers on women's experiences. For more details and mental health resources, visit Instagram @shahnaduerksen, psychologytoday.com and to schedule appointments, go to headway.co/providers/shahna-duerksen